He Said, She Said: Jealousy isnít the only green-eyed monster facing woman Print E-mail
Thursday, 31 March 2016
By Shaun and Pamela Collins
Special to GUIDON
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A few weeks ago by husband and I attended a non-work related party. At one point, my boss came up to me and was talking to me while my husband was somewhere else. We talked about nothing serious and work drama issues. My husband walked up at the moment my boss made an off-the-cuff comment about how infidelity and romantic relationships seemed to flourish at our work. I could see something was bothering my husband and when we got in the car, he went into a tirade about how inappropriate my boss’s comments were and that I should report him for making sexual gestures toward me (believe me, there was none of that).
Shaun and Pamela Collins

Since then, my husband shows up unannounced at my work with lame reasons, but somehow always asks if my boss is there or not. When my cell phone rings at home, my husband hovers until he figures out whom I am talking with on the phone. We have been married 15 years and this is the first time he has ever displayed this level of jealousy. I ask him what is going on, and he dodges the answer. He has gone from the very confident man I married to an insecure person I barely know.

HE SAID:  I hesitate to respond in part because I am not looking to create more distrust or drama in your relationship, but understanding human nature as I believe I do, I feel obligated to answer you as honestly as I know to do.  

I think you should start by engaging in some honest and non-accusatory discussion — explain that your boss’ comment is more of an indication that he disapproves of office romances than it would reasonably be asserted that he has some sinister intent toward you.  

If he would say something like that to you, he most likely sees that you, too, disapprove of such relationships … so why the sudden distrust on the part of your husband?  

It has been my observation about human nature, that when people start to become suspicious of their spouse’s behavior out of the blue without reasonable provocation, they are projecting something about how they are behaving or feeling more than what their spouse is doing to provoke it.  

People who are overly suspicious that people are engaging in illicit behavior, be it cheating, lying, stealing, etc., it is generally more about how they are feeling than what their partner is doing.  I have seen people outright make passes at my wife, but it just makes me laugh … although there is no doubt that if she were interested in a relationship with these people, they would be at the ready; however, I trust Pam implicitly and that is all that matters to me.  

I don’t care how good looking, rich, charming or even slimy and snake like I think someone may be, I know my wife would never betray my trust and therefore I have nothing to worry about.  I won’t start worrying about her behavior unless she starts projecting suspicion on me, or gives me real cause for concern (I’m flattered that other men find my wife attractive … it merely means I married a beautiful woman, who is brilliant and attractive inside and out).  

Maybe it’s time for you to ask him how he’s feeling about your relationship and ascertain where his sudden insecurity stems from.  If you haven’t done anything to warrant this new suspicion, you may want to start paying more attention to what might be going on in his life that you may not be tuned into.

SHE SAID:  If you think this is something more than the presumptively errant comment made by your boss, I would have to agree with you. This behavior is not attractive, nor is it endearing.  If it’s baseless than it is insulting because he isn’t questioning your bosses’ morals, but yours.  

After 15 years of marriage, he has to know it doesn’t matter what other people do or how they behave around you, you will remain faithful. You need to find out what you did to violate his trust. Since you explained to him that the comment was not meant as he heard it, and he still insists it was inappropriate he is, again, questioning your honesty and fidelity. All of this was triggered by something, and it wasn’t his overhearing comments by your boss.   

Also, I would be remiss if I didn’t point out what I know to be true about human nature — many times people project their lack of trust out of guilt.  In other words, maybe it was something he did, not you.  Either way, it’s not going to get any better with time and needs to be addressed. Don’t let him dodge the conversation any longer.  You are both in this marriage in his behavior requires an explanation.

(Editor’s note: Shaun and Pamela Collins were both career Soldiers with a combined history of military service spanning over a half of a century. They have been where you are, so if you are facing a difficult situation, ask them. Send your question to This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it This column and other original content from Mr. and Mrs. Collins can be found at http://militarysuccessnetwork.com. The opinions expressed are those of the writers and not necessarily those of the Fort Leonard Wood Public Affairs Office or the GUIDON.)
Last Updated ( Wednesday, 13 April 2016 )